SHOULD is fired

This week Robbie and I left the house. As in, we went places. Outside. In our cars. To places with other humans. We wore clothes that weren’t yoga pants or sweats.

 

People came up to me and said things like, “wow, you’re actually in one place longer than two days. When are you leaving again?”

 

The thing is, this is my life. To a watching world it looks like Rob and I are always busy. Yes, guilty. But also, no completely false.

 

A lot of what we do requires traveling. Baseball. Mission 108. And a few side projects keep us jet setting all the time.

However, when I’m home, I’m planted on the sofa binge watching Netflix and RELAXING. I need it. I crave it. I can’t live without it.

Last week, I had a meeting that required me to leave my house—eyes rolled. Most of my meetings are on the phone, zoom calls, or in my home. That’s the beauty of working remote- your people are all over and we all agree that what can be said in a text or email is said in a text or an email.

I love my people.

And what needs to happen in real life should first be asked, can we do this over google chat, zoom, or FaceTime? Almost always the answer is yes.  And that means 95 percent of my work is in the comfort of my office/closet.

But not this time. This time, I had to show up in someone else’s office with brushed hair and nice clothes.

What a sham.

I am a proud millennial that uses instant cart, amazon prime, text messaging in a professional setting, every single Christmas gift is bought online, and IF for some strange reason I have to leave my house and be an adult you better believe I am not happy about it- not in this weather, not in these 28’ circumstances- NO MA'AM.

 

But that’s my life. That’s creating balance for the other part of my life that requires me to never be home, living out of a suitcase, always on the go, on a plane, in an uber, moving home to home. And this is a season of life that I GET to sink into my couch with Robbie and call it date night.

A few different girlfriends called me this week and our conversations went like this:

 

Friend: How are you happy? What do you do that’s different than the rest of us?

 

Me: it’s all internal.

 

Friend: what do you mean? Where do I start? That sounds like some hippie sh*t. I just want to be happy.

 

Me: okay, here’s the honest ugly truth.

There is no start or ending to a life of happiness. It’s just a becoming. And sometimes an unbecoming. It’s a daily surrender. What do I do?

I recognized that I’m a human that tends to confuse control with happiness. When I felt like I had a handle on life, I was happy. Problem was, that was only about 3.4 seconds per year.

And I’m no mathematician but that felt a bit off to me. If I add up all the seconds of my 27 years of life, that’s a lot of unhappy seconds that I let external circumstances be the boss of me. So I guess my secret is, I don’t let shoulds be the boss of me. I don’t should myself.

Y’all know Should right?! He’s annoying, persistent, nagging, always makes you feel guilty, trapped, anxious, less than? Should in my life is sometimes so horrible and so loud, I don’t even noticed he’s there. But he sounds like this:

 You should be waking up earlier. You should be ten pounds lighter. You should be working out. You should be blogging more. You should be less busy. You should be more busy. More accomplished.  You should be focusing on your health instead of fundraising. You shouldn’t be traveling this much. You shouldn’t be resting so much. You shouldn’t be scrolling as much. You should be cooking more. Spending less. Be nicer. Be better. Should. Should. Should. Should. Should.

 {what’s funny, is the more you type should the more it looks like you are definitely spelling it wrong, and should definitely google how to spell should.}

 

Should is not my boss. I am my boss. Should definitely doesn’t pay my bills or fill my cup so therefore should is FIRED.

 

All should breeds is fear and doubt and guilt. And that’s how I wound up very very unhappy, uncontent, and constantly stressed out.

 

Friend: Okay, you’re right. I guess if husband had job security, I’d stop stressing and maybe we could get pregnant. Then I’d be happy. Maybe if life was simpler, and less confusing, I’d be happy.

Me: No. WRONG. Sorry, sister.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And my husband is jobless, we still don’t have a child, and a friend of a friend asked another friend why we live in such a small house if we supposedly have so much money yesterday. So there’s that.

 

But I wake up every morning happy about my day and my life. Excited to see what unfolds. All of those things you listed are external. And the only thing promised to us in life is change and death. So anything external that you try to hold onto will either change or die. So that can’t be what we are meant to grasp on to.

 

Based on that very depressing news, I can only guess that happiness must be all internal work. It must mean chasing after the things the move us is the way we find happiness. Not the things that look shiny and gives us instant gratification.

There is nothing more depressing to me then when a young girl sends me a message saying “ I wish I had your life”. No. No. No. No. No. you need to want your own life.

One) Mine is taken.

2.) Your life is so profoundly unique, and perfect, and specifically designed for you that it would be a tragedy if you didn’t live it.

Sadly, thanks to media, and the internet we spend a lot of time chasing after other people’s dreams or putting wet blankets over our own.

You can’t find happiness, contentment, or joy trying to be anyone but yourself.

 

The difference between true happiness and whatever that thing is that we do online is profound. And actually you start to see happiness on people externally when they feel it internally. I can look at someone’s face, read their energy, and body language, and know if they are truly content. Or if they are hoping the show they star in is fooling everyone and hiding behind a fake Instagram account that promotes unrealistic expectations.

 

Okay friend, this parts going to hurt. Letting go of control also means saying no. There are approximately 73 voices nagging me all day long. Some of those voices, I love dearly with all being being.

Robbie.

But even he can make his own dinner, and wipe off the toilet seat every once in awhile.

 

Yesterday, my dear friend asked me about leadership and who the head of our home was.

At the same time, Robbie and I said without pause, “ Both, our home has two heads.”

 

Some of those voices are my job in the form of emails from people or organizations wanting something from me or Mission 108.

Some voices are simply commercials telling me I need some form of medication for the problem I now believe I have. Or advertisements telling me to buy some cream or pill that will definitely make me skinnier because all those other creams and pills that I bought and didn’t work were just a scam but this one is not.

The voices never end.

And as a side note, I do not endorse buying pills to make you skinny.

 

There is exactly one voice that knows exactly everything you need to know about yourself.

 

Your own GD voice. Women, after spending lots and lots of time with you, studying you, and getting to know myself, I now know what our problem is. We are taught at a young age not to trust ourselves. I can think of a very famous bible teaching that tells us women haven’t been trustworthy from the beginning. Ahhh hem, Eve. The Apple. The Fall of mankind.

 

This is simply not the truth. We are in fact, the truthiest beings alive. We can trust ourselves. And we need to get to know our own internal voices so that when all the other voices of the world start clapping at us, we can just laugh and move on.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, one thing has never ever steered me wrong, my own gut. My internal voice. When I listen to her, I win. Because even if I’m wrong, I know that life isn’t never about right and wrong it’s about truth. Are you living your truth?

I got really hippie with me friend and started talking about the Universe and I think I lost her. But here’s the deal. The Universe is always seeking balance, right?! We know this fact inherently. Just like we know to breathe. We don’t try, we don’t think about. It just is something we do.

Same. The Universe has permission from God to keep allowing the same things to happen to you over and over and over again, so that maybe we will learn a thing or two. Nature has its own way of teaching us, and when we listen the Heavens rejoice.

Friend said, I’m happy when I have control. But it feels like the second I settle down and it feels like things are going well, then the rug is pulled up from under us and something crazy happens.

 

Yes, friend. YESSSS. When you take a look at your life and it’s almost ridiculous that these things are happening to you and only you, you can rest assured someone somewhere with an Almighty power is sitting you down for a life lesson.

What an honor to be seen and cared for by the Universe. That your life’s balance is so important to the fate of the world, that you are being single handedly served a lesson on a platter. That must mean, you are so important, so BELOVED, that the God of the Universe wants something greater for you.

It’s called freedom.

Letting go of control is called freedom.

Control is an illusion. The world keeps spinning, the sun keeps shining regardless of whether you're happy or not. So you might as well choose joy.

 

Friends on the Internet, I can't express this enough. Internal work is important. If we keep going at the rate we are going, believing that caring for ourselves is sinful, or selfish we are going to die.

Here is your permission to stop trying to control the external. And join the rest of us in bliss.

 

I will see you there.

Love

BAR

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